The Songs of Our Souls
by goldnox
Summary: Song inspired series of One-Shots, changing in point of view between Elena, Stefan, and Damon with regards to their increasingly complicated love triangle / Delena. Season 4.
1. What's A Girl To Do?

**A/N: Hello my darlings, here are some 1st person POV monologue-esqu ramblings of Elena. I highly encourage you to check out the song that started it all, it's incredible. Thanks for reading, enjoy!**

* * *

_**Bat For Lashes – What's A Girl To Do?**_

_We walked arm in arm_

_But I didn't feel his touch_

_The desire I'd first tried to hide_

_That tingling inside was gone_

_And when he asked me, do you still love me?_

_I had to look away_

_I didn't want to tell him_

_That my heart grows colder with each day_

_When you've loved so long_

_That your thrill is gone_

_And your kisses at night_

_Are replaced with tears_

_And when your dreams are on_

_A train to train-wreck town_

_Then I ask you now_

_What's a girl to do?_

_He said he'd take me away_

_That we'd work things out_

_And I didn't want to tell him_

_But it was then I had to say_

_Over the times we've shared_

_It's all blackened out_

_And my bat lightning heart_

_Wants to fly away_

_When you've loved so long_

_That the thrill is gone_

_And your kisses at night_

_Are replaced with tears_

_And when your dreams are on_

_A train to train-wreck town_

_Then I ask you now_

_What's a girl to do?_

_What's a girl to do?_

_What's a girl to do?_

_What's a girl to do?_

* * *

I never thought I'd be here; I didn't expect this.

I didn't want to be in this place, but no matter how long I search, I can't seem to find the beginning.

I thought it would last forever; but forever doesn't mean what it used to.

I thought it would stay same; I should have known that nothing ever does.

I meant it when I said I loved him, I still mean it now.

I wish that was enough, but it doesn't carry the potency that it used to.

It's crumbling under the burden of our mountain of decisions.

The arms that once protected me have been twisted into restraints; I feel as though I'm being shackled to the person that was once the one dearest to me.

I don't want to fight them, but the urge to break free is too strong; and I hate that I have the desire to escape at all.

This was supposed to be my sanctuary, but now it's only a prison.

I'm supposed to be happy; I should want to be here.

But somewhere along the way, it tilted, and I can't find what I need to make it level again.

Where was the shift? When?

How could I have seen it coming when I can't even find it now?

I know when it should have happened, I was given every reason, every excuse; but in those times of acceptable weakness I had never felt sturdier.

It should have broken when I learned what he is.

I should have run when I first glimpsed the man he was trying to bury within himself, to keep hidden from me.

I should have released him when he left, just as he asked me to do when he declared he would never come back.

But I didn't; I couldn't.

Now I'm disgusted that sometimes I wish I had.

I have it all now, everything I thought I wanted; he's here, he loves me, and he swears he still wants me.

He came back; another promise broken.

Why is that the one I wish he had kept?

What is it that keeps me awake when I'm lying next to him?

Why does his smile feel like a threat?

I want to want.

I beg myself, need myself, to crave the future he wants to give me; but I can't resist gripping the past as my only solace, and the past is not the same one we shared.

I promised to forgive, but not to forget.

The memories are haunting me; they never fail to seek me out at the times that I most need them to be concealed.

They're not the memories I want to remember.

Can loving your past be strong enough to sustain the present, to use as a foundation to build for the future?

I used to think so, but now I don't even have the energy to try.

I don't doubt his love for me, I never have and I couldn't even if I wanted to.

He shouts it with every touch, every glance, every minute he continues to fight for me.

But every vow feels like a betrayal; whether it's his or mine, I can't be sure.

My eyes were closed for so long, and now that they're finally open I can't find the will to seal them shut again.

I want to search to find the strength, but I won't.

The truth is, I'm terrified.

We've lost the balance between the truth and the lies, and all that's hidden weighs too much to be ignored.

The stress of the silence is bearing down on me with an oppressing drive, and no matter how hard I push against it, it crushes me further still.

I know he sees; there is no way he cannot.

I know he knows; but he pretends he doesn't.

We all know, yet we continue to dance the perfect dance of denial.

I don't know whose silence enrages me more.

I don't want to be blind to all that's in front of me, but that's all I've ever been.

I was gifted with the light I hadn't been seeking, and it was only ever a flash; but now that it's gone, I've been left in the most unfathomable blackness I've ever known and I can't find the brightness where it's supposed to be.

The eyes that say they love me are leaving me cold and empty.

I want them to be warm; but every time I look, I'm more afraid that they will be, than I fear that they won't.

It would be easier if he hated me; but he doesn't.

It would be simpler if I didn't love him; but I do.

It would be kinder for us to speak the truth; but our lips are still.

We're both clinging to the people that we want to be, used to be, but our fingers slip more the tighter we hold.

You cannot keep a shadow, and I want to find the daylight.

It's calling to me, has been searching for me; I know where to find it, but I'm scared to seek it out.

The fear is crippling.

I don't want to be her; I promised them both I wouldn't and I wasn't.

But what is one more promise shattered in our tangled web of secrets?

I know what needs to be done; I just pray that they will forgive me.

I hope I can forgive myself.

But I won't spend eternity in the cold arms of the man I once loved, while the one I need watches us over his brother's shoulder.

I can't.

I won't.

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**A/N: Thanks for reading guys, please review, I adore all comments and even criticism. Feel free to check out some of my other work as well, always love to hear what you think!**

**-Goldnox**


	2. Miss Misery

**A/N: So here we have Stefan contemplating his very recent break up with Elena. Enjoy!**

* * *

_**Elliott Smith – Miss Misery**_

_I'll fake it through the day with some help_

_From Johnny Walker Red_

_And the cold pain behind my eyes_

_That shoots back through my head_

_With two tickets torn in half_

_In a lot with nothing to do_

_But it's alright 'cause some enchanted night_

_I'll be with you_

_Tarot cards and the lines in my hand_

_Tell me I'm wrong but they're untrue_

_I got plans for both of us_

_That involve a trip out of town_

_To a place I've seen in a magazine_

_That you left lyin' around_

_I can't hold my liquor_

_But I keep a good attitude_

_'Cause it's alright, some enchanted night_

_I'll be with you_

_And though you'd rather see me gone_

_Than to see there come the day_

_I'll be waiting for you anyway_

_Next on the TV's flashing_

_Blue frames on the wall_

_It's a comedy from the '70s_

_With a lead no one recalls_

_He vanished into oblivion, it's easy to do_

_And I cried a sea when you talked to me_

_The day you said we were through_

_But it's alright, some enchanted night_

_I'll be with you__  
_

* * *

I always expected this, but I'm not sure if I thought it would ever really happen.

And it's happened before, but not like this; never like this.

I think this time she thinks it may be real.

I know I was the one that spoke the final words, but her eyes have been silently telling me them for weeks.

How could it have all gone so wrong?

I pushed her away, time and time again; but she was always still there, determined that this was right, that we were right.

It had been seamless since the beginning; the whispered conversations in the dark, the peace in each other's presence, the trust with our fears.

When did it stop being so easy?

I've hurt her, threatened her, sent her away and promised to never come back more times than I want to think about…

But she's never conceded until today.

I can't believe she didn't fight for us, for me; Elena always battles for what she wants and I've never been more scared than when she admitted defeat over our tortured relationship.

When she said the words that will replay in my mind every second of forever, her quiet and submissive "I know", I knew I had pushed her, tested her, one time too many.

I didn't mean what I said, I didn't want it to end; I just wanted her to realize where she was leading us, the path that she had chosen to take us down.

I want to come back, I want her back.

I want her to want to come back to me.

I have to find a way to make this right; I fought through hell and blood, through guilt and regret to get back to her, but it's all too late now…

But how am I supposed to surrender when she never would?

She's forgiven me for everything I've done, more than she should have ever forgiven me for.

She sidestepped every lie, every secret, every drop of innocent blood I've spilled, even when it was hers.

She looked past the monster inside me and saw me for the man I wanted to be, am trying to be.

She gave me strength when I had none, and made me believe that it would all be right in the end.

When did she stop believing the words she was telling me?

When did I stop believing she believed them?

It's all a blur; it happened too fast.

The memories are swirling before me and the drinking isn't silencing them or slowing them down; the pain is too raw and I'm dizzy with what it all means.

I'm threatening to drive her off a bridge, hearing her scream as I make her believe that she'll die where her parents did; where I saved her the first time, but am now condemning her to death, or worse…

I'm dancing with her at the decade dance and she's never looked more beautiful in that white dress, sparkling like the sunrise on the water while she's looking at up at me…

I'm waiting to die alone in a forest with her brother, without mine, and she's choosing me, coming back to me…

I'm letting her die, the water pouring into her lungs as her eyes are filled with the fear she's trying to hide, but she won't let me save her…

She's transitioning into a vampire; she's changing, and she's choosing me again, for forever…

And now she's just… gone…

We're slipping in the quicksand…

We're cascading into the abyss…

We're drowning in the ocean, and there's no shore, no savior, no end in sight…

Just the empty realization that you've gone too far to turn back, and you can only hold your head up for so long before the waves crush upon you and you're dragged underneath, never to resurface.

How many times did she beg me to come home?

How many of her tearful pleas to feel did I reject?

How many promises of devotion did she make while I kept her at arm's length, hissing and snarling at her smile?

If I could take it all back, I would.

I don't know if I would let him die so I could stay with her; but knowing what I know now, I might.

Vampire hindsight is devastating and unbearable, it's clearer than it should be, and I wish I didn't see.

Because it's too late; what's done is done and I can't change the past; but perhaps I can salvage our future…

I wanted to build a life with her, I know I told her that; and I'll admit that maybe I wasn't really ready then, maybe she wasn't either, but I know we're both ready now.

We could have had forever if that's what she had wanted; I'd spend eternity making it all up to her if she would only give me the chance.

But she doesn't believe me anymore, and she thinks she doesn't want me.

I know she loves me, but I wonder if she knows it.

She thinks she loves him now…

She's wrong.

He can't love her like I do, the way she deserves to be adored.

She needs honesty, faithfulness, unselfishness, and undivided fidelity.

She needs someone that makes it all better, not worse.

She needs a man that will shield her from the pain, not reap it upon her and laugh while she cries.

She thinks she's strong, but she's not tough enough for this life, to endure him.

It wasn't supposed to be this way, she wasn't supposed to be this person, and I'm the only one that can fix this.

I promise I will make this right or die trying; I can't let this happen to her.

She needs someone who is willing to make these kinds of decisions for her; because it's impossible to know what's right or wrong when you're in the middle of the storm.

I don't blame her for being confused, but I blame him for giving her something to be confused about.

How can she not see that he's not doing it for her, but to hurt me?

He promised me an eternity of misery, and two years and her smiling at him while she asks him to be better than he is, is not going to make him forget all that happened before.

As if he could change; we're frozen in time, we will never change.

I thought she knew better than to fall for it, the whole charade, to believe his endless lies and empty charm.

I hope she knows; I'll find a way to make her recognize that he doesn't know her, understand her, like I do.

She's forgiven me for everything, and I'll forgive her for this; I just don't want to see her get hurt.

He'll destroy her; break her, if we're all not careful.

He doesn't comprehend the patience it takes; he doesn't value honor like she does.

All I can do is hope that she'll learn the truth before he ruins her more than he already has.

The best thing I can do is be strong for her like she was for me, and know that I'll make this right when he crashes her world.

I don't know if I can still save her from him, but I'll be there to pick up the pieces of whatever he leaves behind in his wake and help her find her way; we always found our path through the darkness with each other to guide us forward.

We are our own beacon.

We did it before; we can do it again, as long as we have each other.

So I won't let them push me over the edge, no matter how much it hurts to see them.

It's never been more important that I stay in control, because it's her now that's at stake.

I'll endure it all and worse for her, I have before and I will again; I owe her that and so much more.

And when she comes back, I'll welcome her with open arms and she'll be home again.

I have to believe that she'll come back; because being with me is where we both know she belongs.

I don't know how, or when, or even why, only that she will return.

She promised that she would always choose me.

I believed her then, and I believe her still.

* * *

**A/N: So, what did you think? Please review and thanks for reading. Don't abandon me yet guys, Stefan's words are his words, and just because I write them doesn't mean I agree or think they're right in any way. In fact, I have one overwhelming word for him for this chapter and it starts with a "H" and ends with "ypocritical punk." So maybe that was two words...**

**Next chapter, Damon! Yay! Finally...**

**-Goldnox **


	3. My Body Is A Cage

**A/N: Here we have our first from Damon. Hope you Enjoy!**

* * *

_**Arcade Fire - My Body Is a Cage**_

_My body is a cage_

_That keeps me from dancing with the one I love_

_But my mind holds the key_

_My body is a cage_

_That keeps me from dancing with the one I love_

_But my mind holds the key_

_I'm standing on the stage_

_Of fear and self-doubt_

_It's a hollow play_

_But they'll clap anyway_

_My body is a cage_

_That keeps me from dancing with the one I love_

_But my mind holds the key_

_Standing next to me my mind holds the key_

_I'm living in an age_

_That calls darkness light_

_Though my language is dead_

_Still the shapes fill my head_

_I'm living in an age_

_Whose name I don't know_

_Though the fear keeps me moving_

_Still my heart beats so slow_

_My body is a cage_

_That keeps me from dancing with the one I love_

_But my mind holds the key_

_Standing next to me my mind holds the key_

_My body is a cage_

_My body is a cage_

_We take what we're given_

_Just because you've forgotten_

_Doesn't mean you're forgiven_

_I'm living in an age_

_Still turning in the night_

_But when I get to the doorway_

_There's no one in sight_

_I'm living in an age_

_Realizing I'm dancing_

_With the one I love_

_But my mind holds the key_

_Still next to me_

_My mind holds the key_

_Set my spirit free, set my spirit free_

_Set my body free, set my body free_

_Set my spirit free, set my body free, oh, oh_

* * *

__What is he thinking; how could he do this?

Does he really think this is going to change anything?

Does he think I'm just going to forget that he's my brother?

I do love her, but I love him more.

Is there any way he doesn't realize that?

Our relationship had never been simple, but nothing ever is.

It seems as though through the years we've fought more than anything else, but whenever I was fighting with him, it was always because I was fighting for him.

I failed him.

I was supposed to protect him, guide him, to be there for him; and I abandoned him.

Every time I tried to make it right, it seems as though I only made things worse.

How many times have I told myself that he was better off without me; that leaving him to find his own way was the best thing for him?

It didn't mean that I didn't miss him.

There has never been a day that he hasn't crossed my mind or that I wanted him with me.

I've spent years worrying, wondering where he was, if he was alive, safe, who he had killed because I wasn't strong enough to be what he needed me to be.

I've never been strong enough to do the right thing; I've proven it time and time again because I am nothing but selfish.

It was my selfishness that made me angry enough to tell him that I would do everything in my power to ruin his existence.

It was my selfishness that drew me back to him, because I needed him.

I don't even know if he knows that.

I've needed him in my life, because no one knows me like he does, though he doesn't seem to understand me.

When I look in the mirror, all I see is him staring back at me.

When he's right in front of me, it's almost unbearable to look.

I've bruised him, bloodied him, stabbed him, broken him, over and over, and every time it always gets harder.

When I look at him, all I see is the little boy laughing as I told him dirty jokes, and the way he cried next to me at our mother's funeral.

No one else has the patience to withstand my temper, the tolerance to stomach and to match my sarcasm, the strength to fight me when I need to be beaten.

He stands up to me when I need to be put in my place, and he sees me as a brother, a man, and not just a vampire.

He's the only person I've ever been able to talk to, and he knows what I'm saying when I can't bring myself to speak the words.

But I wonder if he believes me, trusts me anymore.

I always known that I loved him more, but I sometimes wish that we were equal.

I'm sure he thinks I hate him, that every mistake I've made between us was a deliberate move to hurt him.

He thinks I want him to suffer, but he doesn't know that his pain cuts me deeper than it does him.

He said that today was the best day of my life, because he let her go so she could be with me; he couldn't be more wrong.

It was the day he was born.

I was so excited and I didn't know what to expect, but I knew what it would mean; I would have a brother, a companion, who would be with me always.

I would never have to be alone again.

I had never seen anything so tiny, so fragile, so precious, as when I caught my first glimpse of him as he rested in my mother's arms.

I had never been more terrified than when she handed him to me; I didn't want to hurt him, and I couldn't bear the thought that I might harm the most wonderful thing in the world.

I can still hear her voice when she said, "Damon, this is your brother."

My brother; mine.

Nothing had ever belonged to me before, but she gave him to me.

My mother belonged to my father, and I to her, but he was mine to love and protect; she trusted me with him to keep him safe.

The first time I ever remember crying was when he grabbed on to my finger while I held him, I was shocked by the strength in his tiny hands; I knew at that moment that no matter what the future held, he and I were bonded, forever.

I taught him everything I knew; I couldn't help but want to share my life with him.

I showed him how to climb the large oak tree behind the house, and when he fell I picked him up and made him climb again while I was at his side so he wouldn't be afraid.

I taught him to swim in the creek on our land; I forced him to learn how to dance so he would have the confidence he would need when he started to notice girls.

He had his first drink with me, and many after that.

All I've ever wanted was for him to be happy, to have the life that he deserved; and all I've managed to do was to cause him immeasurable pain.

I didn't mean to fall in love with her; I never meant to hurt him like that, not after everything that happened before.

Part of me wishes that I hadn't come back so I could spare him this; so I could have my brother back, even if I had needed to wait.

It's only been in the last year that we've begun to find our place by each other's sides again; it started to feel like it did when we were still human, when life was easy and perfect and there was nothing more important than the fact that we were together.

But the selfish part of me is screaming that after everything I've endured, after everyone I've lost, that I deserve happiness too.

But more than we both deserve it, she does, and I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how to save us from this, because someone is going to get hurt.

Probably all of us, and that's the hardest thing of all.

I don't ever remember feeling this lost, this torn, in all my life.

I wish…I wish I knew what to wish for to make this all better.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed! Please review, always love to hear what you think and stay tuned for the next entry!**

**-Goldnox**


	4. Little Bit

**A/N: Hello my darlings, we have an entry from Elena tonight as she gets ready for the Miss Mystic Falls Pageant, circa episode 7 of Season 4. Post Stefan breakup, pre Damon encounter at the Pageant. Enjoy! (Oh yeah, bumping the rating up to M BTW)**

* * *

_**Lykke Li – Little Bit**_

_Hands down, I'm too proud for love_

_But with eyes shut it's you I'm thinking of_

_But how we move from A to B?_

_It can't be up to me 'cause you don't know_

_Eye to eye, thigh to thigh, I let go_

_I think I'm a little bit, little bit_

_A little bit in love with you_

_But only if you're a little bit, little bit_

_Little bit in l-l-love with me, oh, oh_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh_

_Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh_

_And for you I keep my legs apart_

_And forget about my tainted heart_

_And I will never ever be the first_

_To say it but still I, you know I, I, I_

_I would do it_

_Push a button, pull a trigger_

_Climb a mountain, jump off a cliff_

_'Cause you know, baby_

_I love you, love you a little bit_

_I would do it, I would say it_

_I would mean it and we could do it_

_It was you and I and I only_

_I think I'm a little bit, little bit_

_A little bit in love with you_

_But only if you're a little, little bit_

_Little bit in l-l-love with me_

_I think I'm a little bit, little bit_

_A little bit in love with you_

_But only if you're a little, little bit_

_Little bit in l-l-love with me, oh_

_Come here, stay with me_

_Stroke me by the hair_

_'Cause I would give anything, anything_

_To have you as my man_

_Come here, stay with me_

_Stroke me by the hair_

_'Cause I would give anything, anything_

_To have you as my man_

_Little bit, little bit_

_A little bit in love with you_

_But only if you're a little, little bit_

_Little bit in l-l-love with me_

_I think I'm a little bit, little bit_

_A little bit in love with you_

_But only if you're a little, little bit_

_Little bit in l-l-love for me_

_I think I'm a little bit, little bit_

_A little bit in love with you_

_But only if you're a little, little bit_

_Little bit_

_Little bit, little bit_

_Little bit, little bit_

_Little bit_

* * *

I don't know how to do this.

I can't seem to catch my breath.

I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm scared; I'm nothing like the self-assure vampire I'm supposed to be.

I'm giddy and I should be depressed.

I'm wide awake and I should be exhausted.

I can't seem to keep still; my hands are shaking and I've worn a path in the carpet of my room from where I've been pacing back and forth.

I've checked my phone so many times that it's already dead even though I just pulled it off the charger an hour ago; but there's no reason for me to keep impatiently looking at it because even if he were to call, which he has no reason to, I'd hear it perfectly from a thousand yards away.

But still, I check it again.

I've peeked out my window more times than I want to admit, hoping that I'd see him walking up my street, his car in my driveway, anything.

I leave my room to try to distract myself downstairs, and I'm always holding my breath when I come back in through my door, wondering and hoping that he'll be sitting on my window sill, smiling at me like some beautiful angel of death, the way he loves to do while he waits for me.

But I never see him, he doesn't call, and he isn't there waiting for me; the disappointment is almost devastating.

With everything else going on, I should be able to concentrate on the bigger, more important things in my life like what's happening with my brother.

But my mind continually strays back to him.

It will not be denied.

I spent twenty minutes brushing my teeth this morning while I got so wrapped up in my day dreams and fantasies about him that a hunter could have staked me and I wouldn't have even noticed, or cared, as long as he didn't disrupt or distract me.

I feel like a kid with a first crush again, and I can't seem to stop blushing and smiling even when I'm alone.

It feels like I have the most wonderful and devious secret, and it's all I can do to contain it; but I don't want to.

Only, everyone else already knows my secret and they're not exactly thrilled.

Well, everyone, but him.

I actually don't know what he thinks, because I haven't talked to him since everything changed.

Does he know what happened, and more importantly, why?

Does it even matter to him anymore?

I hope it does; I hope he still wants this, wants me.

I have no right to wish for anything considering our past and how many times I've said no, but I'm finally ready to scream yes at the top of my lungs over and over again.

I just hope I'm not too late…

And while I know I'm ready, I'm not quite sure how to actually say it.

I can't imagine how I'm going to find the confidence to tell him that I want him.

I have no earthly idea how to tell this older, more experienced, incredibly intimidating, and dangerously beautiful man, that I want to claim him.

He's told me he loved me before, but now… now it's entirely different when I want to act on what he's professed.

I'm a strong and sure person when I'm evenly matched, and sometimes even when I'm not; but nothing about us has ever been equal, far from it.

We're so used to the in-balance of our relationship, I honestly don't know how he's going to react to my attempts to level things out between us.

He doesn't trust me with his heart yet; and while it hurts, I'm okay with that.

Trust is earned, and I'm more than willing to prove myself; I just don't know what it's going to take.

I guess the question I should be asking myself is, is there anything I'm not willing to do to make him believe me?

I already know the answer, and it frightens me more than I would like it to, but it's not going to stop me.

Because, no; there isn't anything I wouldn't do.

I've seen every side of him because he's never hid from me, despite how he acts towards everyone else, and he knows me better than anyone else does too.

But we've never known each other like I want to learn him.

I'm dying to know the truth behind the rumors of what's really going on behind his closed bedroom door.

I'm almost more scared that the stories I hear won't begin to do him justice; and I don't know how that's even possible, but I have a sneaking suspicion it will be.

The mere thought of undressing him makes my knees tremble and my heart race; I think the anticipation is literally going to kill me if he doesn't take me soon.

I'm so wound up at just the idea of him, I'm sure I'm just going to snap from the tension that's been building.

And I swear, the next time that I see him, I don't know if I'll be able to resist happily destroying all his precious designer duds that he dares to cover his delicious body with.

I don't even care about what's right or wrong anymore; let me burst into flames from the heat of passion.

I want to burn; just please God, let me burn.

I didn't think this could get any worse, any harder.

I. Was. Wrong.

The only thing more difficult than trying to ignore him, is knowing that I could have him if I wanted to; if I was brave enough.

It's beyond unfair that everything about him makes it impossible to think; his eyes, his hair, his clothes, his cologne.

No one should be allowed to be that sexy, that tempting.

Ever.

But it's not just sex, it's everything that makes him, him.

It's the way he watches me, the way he protects me, the way he's always there the instant I need him and sometimes even before I realize I do.

It's simply the way he loves me blindly, recklessly, and with without fear or apology or even a hope of reciprocation.

I'm sure he wants it, but he has got to be as scared as I am.

I know him well enough to know that much, at least.

So how do we move forward when we're both terrified of taking that first step?

His reasons are better than mine, but I'm still scared.

I don't know if I'm enough to keep him.

I've seen who he's chosen in the past as worthy, and I honestly don't know if I can compare.

Those women were strong, beautiful, sexy, commanding, and they knew it; all things I'm sure I have in me, but not in the abundance that they had.

But part of me is screaming that he doesn't want me to be them, he just wants me to be me.

He wants me, for me.

I hope it's enough; because I know once I take him as mine, it's going to take a force stronger than death to pry him from my grasp.

I guess there's only one way to find out, and I'm not waiting anymore.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading, please review, always love to hear your thoughts! Next entry will be from Stefan in keeping with our entry order, but that may change up eventually. Hope you're enjoying the music as well.**

**-Goldnox**


	5. The Beginning Is The End IsThe Beginning

**A/N: Here we have our next entry from Stefan. It takes place the night that he discovers the sire bond with Caroline. They have been drinking heavily, and she is now asleep. But he is still awake well into the night, drunk, angry, and considering all that he knows now. Beware, darkness ahead; and please, I beg you, listen to the song while you read, the tone says everything. (You may remember this song from the preview of The Watchmen) Enjoy!**

* * *

_**Smashing Pumpkins – The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning**_

_Send a heartbeat to_

_The void that cries through you_

_Relive the pictures that have come to pass_

_For now we stand alone_

_The world is lost and blown_

_And we are flesh and blood disintegrate_

_With no more to hate_

_Is it bright where you are?_

_Have the people changed?_

_Does it make you happy? You're so strange_

_And in your darkest hour_

_I hold secrets flame_

_We can watch the world devoured in it's pain_

_Delivered from the blast_

_The last of a line of lasts_

_The pale princess of a palace cracked_

_And now the kingdom comes_

_Crashing down undone_

_And I am a master of a nothing place_

_Of recoil and grace_

_Is it bright where you are?_

_Have the people changed?_

_Does it make you happy? You're so strange_

_And in your darkest hour_

_I hold secrets flame_

_We can watch the world devoured in it's pain_

_Time has stopped before us_

_The sky cannot ignore us_

_No one can separate us_

_For we are all that is left_

_The echo bounces off me_

_The shadow lost beside me_

_There's no more need to pretend_

_'Cause now I can begin again_

_Is it bright where you are?_

_Have the people changed?_

_Does it make you happy? You're so strange_

_And in your darkest hour_

_I hold secrets flame_

_We can watch the world devoured in it's pain_

_Strange_

_Strange_

_Strange_

_{Strange_

_Strange}__  
_

* * *

I don't ever remember feeling so lost, so hopeless.

I'm searching, I'm calling, I'm falling, beyond where I've ever buckled before.

I'm only met with silence and the knowledge that I'm alone.

The knowledge that she is not.

She's smiling into the face of evil, letting it wrap her in its arms and promise her protection while it shreds her life with happy grins.

She's running towards death with a speed I can't catch, and she's blurred the lines of where I can find her, so I can't follow.

I don't know how to fix this, fix her.

She's broken, but not beyond repair.

And even if I cure her, I don't know what will happen then.

Will she be thankful to me for saving her from this life driven by blood and lust and pain?

Will she scream her gratitude for her redeemer, and re-open the heart that I can't even feel?

Will she resent me for placing her here in the first place, and forcibly remove me from her life after she is healed so there is no chance of history repeating itself?

Will she despise me for tearing her away from him so that she is safe?

There is no guarantee that removing her fangs is going to reset her personality to who she was before; there is no way to know what condition her soul is in now, and what the tattered remains will look like once separated from them that destroyed it.

She's different, she's changed.

It's his fault.

I don't know who she is anymore, right now.

Where there used to be forgiveness is now only rage.

Where there was love I see apathy and the same in reverse.

I just don't know if she's this way because she's distorted from the blood or the bond…

I want her to be happy, more than anything.

I want for her safety, for the harmony that comes with an unbroken humanity and a certain amount of ignorance of what rips apart the world while the rest sleeps.

I can't let her be the thing that is in the nightmares of the young and of the aware.

Despite what she thinks, she will never be truly happy in this life, or with him.

A small, sick part of me wants to think that if this is who she wants to be, dark and dangerous and bloodthirsty, that I can be that for her even better than he can.

All I have to do is set the Ripper free; it's all too easy to do, he begs me for it every second of my existence, biding his time until he's loose and his chains are getting weaker every day.

I can see it all too clearly.

We can tear down the world around us like two angels of death, and it would be glorious.

People will sing to hear our growls, they will willingly sacrifice their veins to our pristine teeth, and we will slice them into nothing while they cry for joy and ecstasy in their invited destruction.

Together we can reap power and control destiny, bringing nations to their knees while they quiver in awe of their irrefutable knowledge that we are better, stronger, infinitely more worthy.

We can rule all, together.

The idea is intoxicating, and I'm craving it more than I want to want it.

It makes me thirsty, parched, dry, barren, to imagine the taste of the blood she will claim for her own and how beautiful it will be as it drips from her roars.

I'm instantly aroused at the thought of her brown eyes soaked red, driven by hunger and anger and ferocity; the black veins of greed painting her face and revealing her for the creature that can take the world at her fingertips if she so pleased.

She is death and annihilation, and I am too. We are a perfect match, because we are the same.

But I can't let that happen, I don't want that to happen.

If I let us go down that path, I would ruin both her and me far more than either of us could ever imagine.

And she doesn't want that with me, because she is tied to him in a bond I can't break.

Some paths you go down, no matter how hard you push forward to try to find relief, you only find more agony and more carnage.

Sometimes, the only thing left to do is to make your way back to the beginning to find the end, and then try to start again.

I pray that there is another way hidden.

I will trade anything, everything, everyone, to save her.

I won't let her meet the monster lurking inside her waiting to be released, more than she already has.

I cannot leave her here to stumble down the line she is on; I will not abandon her to this, to herself, to him.

Her mind is no longer her own and I will not allow her to be taken advantage of, whether she wants to be or not.

It seems strange to some that anyone would willingly give control of their life to another, but they do, and she has, and I understand.

There can be comfort and peace in the removal of responsibility; the knowing that it's not your fault because you didn't decide, you just followed.

It's too easy to become contented with losing your free will.

Numbness and detachment can feel like a soft blanket after the scorching flame of guilt.

I don't want her to know any of this.

I know because I saved her, saved him, and gave myself in their stead.

I never realized what I was giving up when I signed my soul over to the Devil.

I gave him time, I gave him my body to cheerfully be destroyed on his whim, I gave him my conscience; I didn't know that I gave him hers too.

I drove her into obscurity and into the open arms of a demon, my brother.

He twisted her into something, someone, I don't recognize; now it's worse than ever.

When I look at her, all I see is the faded memory of how she used to be.

She's a shell of the seraph I met, and there's coldness where I want there to be warmth.

When I met her she was wallowing in grief, and in the time since our lives collided, she's lost and buried her past life, and her house is now a mausoleum to all that are gone.

She is the princess of murder.

There's a void next to me from where she should be standing, and it is trying to suck me into the pit of gloom, the black hole, she left in her wake when she was taken from me.

But I still resist, somehow.

We have time to make this right; we have forever if we need it.

I just hope it won't take that long.

I can't stand to see the strange soul that's taken root in her body.

I will cast it out, any way I can.

I will forfeit eternity with her to get her back; to remove his claws from her, to save her from herself.

I know that the beginning is where I will find the end.

* * *

**A/N: So, what did you think? Please r/r, love to hear your thoughts on the music and his twisted musings. Thanks for reading and for following, up next we have Damon. Many thanks to all.**

**-Goldnox**


	6. Heartbeats

**A/N: Thanks to all for reading and reviewing, here's Damon POV "the morning after", 4x08, as well as reflecting on the night before. Enjoy!**

* * *

_**Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats**_

_One night to be confused  
One night to speed up truth  
We had a promise paid  
Four hands and then away_

_Both under influence_  
_We had a divine sense_  
_To know what to say_  
_Mind is a razor blade_

_To call for hands of above_  
_to lean on_  
_Wouldn't be good enough_  
_for me, no_

_One night of magic rush_  
_The start a simple touch_  
_One night to push and scream_  
_And then relief_

_Ten days of perfect tunes_  
_The colors red and blue_  
_We had a promise made_  
_We were in love_

_To call for hands of above_  
_to lean on_  
_Wouldn't be good enough_  
_for me, no_

_To call for hands of above_  
_to lean on_  
_Wouldn't be good enough_

_And you, you knew the hand of the devil_  
_And you, kept us awake with wolves teeth_  
_Sharing different heartbeats_  
_In one night_

_To call for hands of above_  
_to lean on_  
_Wouldn't be good enough_  
_for me, no_

_To call for hands of above_  
_to lean on_  
_Wouldn't be good enough_

* * *

I can't believe this happened.

But it did; and it's finally right, and now.

The Devil that was whispering in my ear that she would be gone when I opened my eyes was wrong.

She's still here.

She's smiling, and I feel time skip.

It started when she showed up with a bag on her shoulder; so we sat.

Our physical language has always said volumes more than our words; and this was no different.

More than anything, we carry the title of friendship.

We talk to one another, but we try our best to only flirt with the edge of the unspeakable truth between us, and rarely do we cross that final barrier.

We spend time together.

We can share a comfortable silence when we're alone, though we still have to endure the sexual force that's suffocating us.

But even that is comforting in its consistency.

We don't have to speak, just laugh, or cry, or both, or stay silent.

Other than Ric, she's probably the only other sane person that's ever trusted me.

Not that I'm sure I want her to.

Then we danced.

It was gentle and supportive and slow, everything we're not supposed to be, especially to each other.

But we are anyways.

We broke all the rules by falling in love, and I'm sure we'll break more still.

I can still feel the pressure of my hand on her back, promising her I will always be there to hold her up, to catch her when she falls, to carry her when she's broken.

I held her hand in a vow that I will never leave her, but explaining that she is not bound to me unless she wants to be.

I want her to want me to follow her.

She swore she trusted me when her forehead grazed mine, and I wanted to inhale her sigh in the relief of being wrapped in comfort and safety.

We declared it all, and without saying a word.

We kissed, and existence deserted me.

Her mouth was everything that defined need, and want, and fear.

She pulled and she took with a thirst that matched and drove my own, and in all my life I had never met or known such violence in sweetness.

But her breath was full of grief, and guilt, and defeat; and I know it could have been over Stefan, but I want to, and do, think it was more about me.

She was tired of fighting us, and was ready to say that she wanted it now, but she didn't know if that was something I would still want.

She was scared that I would say no.

I made sure she felt my endless yes as I crushed her against me, roaring that I was hers to devour and mangle at her bidding.

There was nothing, is nothing, I wouldn't do for her.

She is my Queen.

She rules all that is light from her throne of lilies; and she knowingly has the ability to brandish armies to seek, destroy and protect.

She's done it before, and she can do it again.

Even on her own, she is strong enough to endure the apocalypse that is her life.

She's so brave, and I don't honestly know if I've ever even said those words to her.

And now she's glowing.

Her hair is rough and her make-up is faded and smudged, but she's beaming at me with a smile that I haven't seen her wear in months.

It's because of me.

She's twisting slightly as she grins at me, taunting me with her body to take her; it's as plain an invite as if she was beckoning me with her finger.

But she doesn't have to raise her hand, her hips and shoulders say it all; both of which are barely covered by the shirt I was wearing last night.

The shirt she ripped off me.

I can't believe a button survived, but apparently one did.

It's deliciously low on her.

With infinite thanks to the lone survivor, I'm welcome to admire the deep "v" of her chest and stomach that's been revealed; only interrupted by the thin fabric of her black, lace bra.

I've always adored this about her.

She's very fond of lavish and racy undergarments and I'm convinced her collection of bras and panties should be on display in a museum.

One that's located inside of my house.

And above my bed.

God, I love her.

It's only been one night, and everything I feel for her is so much more overwhelming that I don't know if I'll be able to survive an eternity with her, because I love her so much it hurts.

And I don't know what I hate more; the part that it's so disgustingly cliché, or the fact that it's absolutely and unfortunately true.

She may kill me if she loves me back.

She'll annihilate me if she leaves.

I focus on her smile, and just like that the pain is gone.

Let her slay me; I don't care as long as she's happy and she's mine.

I think she gave herself to me.

I knew they were done, but I was adamant with myself about giving them both plenty of time to settle down and realize they were going to get back together eventually, like they always do.

She said I was the reason, but we didn't find the time for her to tell me why I was the reason and what that really meant.

I didn't want to dare to assume that in all of the possibilities, it would be the perfect combination of what I wanted.

Her; ready, willing and able.

She's never been before; she's never even been able to admit outright what's been growing between us.

She usually can't make it past my name.

I've heard her say how much she cares, and I know she craves me, but she refuses to tell me she loves me.

We both know she does.

Her body betrayed her when it exposed it last night, and so did mine.

And now she's lying on the bed next to me, and she's looking at me like she's never seen me before.

She's looking at me like she just realized it.

This can't be happening.

I don't know if anyone deserves to be this happy.

I'm not sure if God and the Devil together could tear me away from her, but they probably should, for both our sakes.

My hands have done such a multitude of dark and vicious things; so many bones broken under them, so many hearts torn out.

I shouldn't be allowed to touch her.

I wonder if she sees blood on them when she looks, because that's all I see.

I'm starting to worry they may actually be permanently stained red and constantly dripping with the names of the lives I've taken.

But whenever I pull away from her skin, she's still clean despite my fingertips against her.

And she is a study in beautiful contradiction.

Her skin is devastatingly soft, but just below lies muscle that can strike and snap, crush and maim, with ease.

Her lips are plump and round, and I know if I'm not careful I will disappear as I sink away inside them.

Her tongue is assuring me of safety, but she's biting me and nipping with fangs that I think may be sharper than my own.

It was, and is, all blood and sex and love, passion and tenderness, and still fear...

So much fear...

But this is, without a doubt, the perfect way to conclude what will probably be the best and worst night of my life.

I have her now, and I have so much more to lose.

Nothing can save us from each other, and for the first time I think I understand what she means when she insists she doesn't want to be saved.

She is worth any sacrifice, because she is my miracle.

* * *

**A/N: So, tell me what you think! Love to hear your thoughts, and many thanks for following! Next up, Elena.**

**-Goldnox**


	7. All Around Me

**A/N: Hello my darlings, so sorry for the long delay in between posts. Holidays, writer's block, song indecision, it all came to one massive implosion. But we're here now, and I have for you the next entry from Elena. It takes place the "morning after" (4x08); she's left the boarding house and is on her way to school, reflecting on all the things that transpired and she now feels. Enjoy!**

* * *

_**Flyleaf – All Around Me**_

_My hands are searching for you_

_My arms are outstretched towards you_

_I feel you on my fingertips_

_My tongue dances behind my lips for you_

_This fire rising through my being_

_Burning, I'm not used to seeing you_

_I'm alive_

_I'm alive_

_I can feel you all around me_

_Thickening the air I'm breathing_

_Holding on to what I'm feeling_

_Savoring this heart that's healing_

_My hands float up above me_

_And you whisper you love me_

_And I begin to fade_

_Into our secret place_

_The music makes me sway_

_The angels singing say we are alone with you_

_I am alone and they are too with you_

_I'm alive_

_I'm alive_

_I can feel you all around me_

_Thickening the air I'm breathing_

_Holding on to what I'm feeling_

_Savoring this heart that's healing_

_And so I cry_

_The light is white_

_And I see you_

_I'm alive_

_I'm alive_

_I'm alive_

_I can feel you all around me_

_Thickening the air I'm breathing_

_Holding on to what I'm feeling_

_Savoring this heart that's healing_

_Take my hand, I give it to you_

_Now you owe me, all I am_

_You said you would never leave me_

_I believe you, I believe_

_I can feel you all around me_

_Thickening the air I'm breathing_

_Holding on to what I'm feeling_

_Savoring this heart that's healed_

* * *

I said I wanted this.

If I had only known earlier how right I would be…

There is nothing that compares to being loved by him.

There is no before, there is no after.

There is only him.

Everything else in my hands feels wrong now after touching his skin.

Leather snags, cotton is coarse; he is the softest velvet and nothing can equate.

I'm too light without the presence of his weight against me, because he is all that anchors me to this world.

He poured my soul back into my body, and with mine came his.

I can still feel it, blazing through me and searing my veins with his name as he bound us together.

There is now passion and a will inside of me that wasn't there before; an intrinsic need and knowledge that I was crafted for him alone.

My arms now have the might I need to wind them around him, holding him to me so I can shield him from those that would tear him down.

My legs locked themselves around his hips freely, secure and unyielding to let him leave the place where I can keep him safe.

In all of the times that he's protected me, I never realized he was the one that was asking to be saved.

I see it now; his tranquil desperation, and all the ways he made me strong enough to be what he needed me to be.

He said he's never seen me more alive, and I believe him; with every second that his eyes rest on me, he steals away another slice of the death that tried to take me from him.

He makes me shimmer with vibrancy.

I didn't know what it was to feel until his mouth was on my skin.

With every languid graze of his tongue on my body, he propelled life to flourish and re-awaken at his command.

And when he moaned over my swollen lips and I felt it slide down my throat and into my eager lungs, I knew what it was to breathe.

I was always suffocating around him before, never able to reach the place of comfort from drawing a deep, steadying gulp of air.

I know why now.

He was hiding it from me, sealing it behind a smirk that seeped longing and the knowledge of secrets he wouldn't share.

I have them now, and I've never been this deliciously full.

I want to feel this way forever…

Every part of me is tingling, prickling, aching for him to soothe me in the way that only he can.

He is blistering silk, caressing and scorching, restoring and staining, redeeming and devouring, all at once.

He is the dance of danger and devotion, and he's calling for me to take my place as his rightful partner.

I would have never been able to refuse, even if I had wanted to; I was meant to be by him.

He is brave and he is sturdy, but together we reap a sovereignty that is nothing short of dangerous.

We could manipulate destiny, make bereavement hail down from the skies and take God's creations for ourselves to play with as we please.

He's done it before, and he can do it again.

And when he was above me, inside me, encasing and possessing me, I knew that if he summoned, I would join him without hesitation.

I would sing for his kills and clean the blood from him with my kiss.

He is the Knight of Shadows and Secrets.

And while he had me contained, able at his mercy to twist and mold me into whatever creature he so desired, capable of manipulating me into a donor of demise, he told me that he loved me.

This is the secret that only I know…

That he wears black to cloak the radiance that rushes off him in waves, blinding all those he allows to see.

His whispers to me in the dark carry a sweetness that makes me want to weep for those that have never been cherished in the way that he reveres me.

He is tenderness, draped in death.

I want to live forever in our hideaway of truth, to never again close the hidden doorway between us that when open, reveals love over desire.

It is only here in our solitary escape that he truly allows me to see him, hear him, know him.

He is transformed in our secret place, and I worship and abhor the awareness that no one will ever understand him like I do, because he won't let them.

They don't warrant him, but I should want to give him to the world so they can venerate him as I will.

But when I think of having to share him, it evokes a possessiveness that chokes me, and a growl to rip past my snarl.

I don't trust anyone else with him, and I refuse to let them hurt him anymore.

The son that was a disappointment, the brother that was second best, deserves to be honored and valued.

He wants it, needs it, and will only take it from me.

His body and his heart have been broken so many times, and even at my own doing…

But he gave himself to me, placed himself into my care with trust I don't deserve, and I will guard his soul every moment I'm alive.

He's fought for me, and I will gladly go to war for him if I need to.

I will flatten and empty cities, gorge on screams, tear hearts from chests, twist spines and rupture souls; whatever it takes, I'll do it to make sure he's safe and feels loved, so that he knows that he's worthy.

He made me whole and clean, and when I broke, he rebuilt me so that I could rise from the ash and still find glory in the Sun on the grayest of days.

And when the time came for me to look into the light, to seek out my salvation, I found him waiting for me.

He will never have to be patient again.

I will greedily seize everything he bequeaths me, and there is nothing I will deny him.

I will have centuries upon centuries to kiss him, touch him, drink from him and taste his desire.

We can have a millennium of vows and memories, and it will still never be enough.

I don't know how I was ever able to bury and attempt to disregard something of this magnitude.

I never will again.

I can't…

I'm alive now, and I won't let myself die again.

* * *

**A/N: Sooooo what did you think? Thanks for reading, please r/r, always so eager to hear your thoughts.**

**-Goldnox**


	8. Sorrowing Man

**A/N: Hello my dears! Tonight we have Stefan, 4x08. The boys are coming back to Mystic Falls after learning about the sire bond, and Stefan is observing Damon. Thanks for reading, enjoy!**

* * *

_**City And Colour - Sorrowing Man**_

_Sorrowing man,  
Look how worn you've become  
You once were Lord  
Of the barren sea  
There's blood on our hands  
In this perfect madness  
We're living on borrowed time_

_Oh how you have lost your way,_  
_Oh how you have lost your way_

_There's no sympathy_  
_For we don't know the cure_  
_'Cause what you've got_  
_Well it runs too deep_  
_But you've lived and breathed_  
_More than any man I know_  
_But you're not done_  
_Oh, at least I hope_

_Oh how you have lost your way,_  
_Oh how you have lost your way_  
_In this life we have made together_  
_Oh how you have lost your way_  
_Ohhh, how you have your way_  
_Ohh, how you have lost your way._

* * *

I never wanted this.

I thought I did, but now I'm not sure anymore.

I think I might have been wrong.

I never doubted that I needed to save her from him.

But I didn't realize what it would do to him when I scratched her out of his grip.

How mistaken I was.

This may very well be the final strike, obliterating the shaky supports that are struggling to keep him righted.

I didn't think he had anything left to break.

For so long he's buried himself in the solid steel of indifference.

He swept through generations with apathy, his morality lifeless.

I was convinced there was nothing present within his petrified heart that could register anything other than bitterness.

He had executed his revenge impeccably, just as he designed and pledged.

He infiltrated my life, my home, my heart, and my beloved.

He harvested murder, mistrust, scorn, and betrayal.

He reaped wretchedness upon my world.

But somewhere, my misery recognized his.

When our lives struck, he was a swirl of violence and revenge.

His only mission was to free his captured love, and break mine.

He failed.

He succeeded.

He was abandoned into the thorny vines of eternity, and had been for longer than he had known.

Hope had lugged him through the ages of solitude, and when it evaporated into the unyielding dirt that his tears banged into, the void left him hollow.

I relished his pain, and I was not ashamed.

Cruelty breeds cruelty, and that was all that hovered between us.

I once thought he might have been rescuing her to keep her as a sharpened mace to batter me with, a ready weapon in his arsenal of malice.

I've been so blind.

When did that change?

I know he sought to destroy me, but he is the one that is now ruined.

He loves her, more than I wanted to admit.

He's told me before, but I never truly beheld the plentiful depth and complexity of it until today.

Not until he was forced to concede that he will have to release her.

I've never seen him so lost.

I never thought I'd regret the harsh words I've hurled at him, the accusations I beat him down with.

I do.

And as much as I've hated him, I still love him.

He's my brother, and he's been marred enough.

That's the reason his soul died the first time.

Katherine killed it.

But Elena revived him, nursing him with purpose and possibility.

Will there be anything left once she's gone?

I worry how long he will lengthen the leash.

Will he stay close enough to continue to save her, or will he cut it completely?

I don't want to think about the way he will choose to free her.

He could sever the bond with words alone, or he could use his life.

He's fought to live so many times, but he always had a reason to want to stay.

Is his reason gone?

If the fiend he plays so well is the remnants of the last time his heart was slain, I don't want to see who he'll morph into now.

He's sitting beside me, but he's never been further away.

And I'm surprised to find there's a warmth expanding in me that snuck in behind the hate.

I want speak to him, to console him.

I want him whole, but he'll only be a scrap of himself soon.

I know the black hymn of silence when all you want to do is drown in the echo of her laughter.

I want to give him peace.

I won't.

Because I can't allow him to keep her.

I'm watching him on borrowed time; every second he slips farther away as we make our demoralized crawl back to our siren.

It's like looking at a mirror when I finally find the courage to peek at his eyes.

They're storming in endless agony over his longing for his shrinking denial.

It is clear, the battle raging within him; warring between his priorities of her over himself.

He doesn't want to do this, but he will.

I wish he didn't have to hurt this much, but he does.

Though I never have before, I trust him to do the right thing now.

He's always tried to protect her.

Does he see now that she needs to be guarded from him?

I know he craves her security above all, but he is the most treacherous adversary she'll never confront.

He has the knowledgeable rule of her actions.

He can play her God; a hailed deity of death and seduction.

He can beckon and she will emerge; he could decree and she would submit.

He can forge her into the embodiment of his warped and twisted fantasies.

The supremacy he could exercise is horrifying.

But I think it makes him just as sick.

It must; I can feel the boundless floods of defeat rolling from him, but they're not halting or waning in any degree.

They are swelling, multiplying, amplifying; threatening to submerge him.

And I'm too well acquainted with the sensation of weightless hands, the way they drift without purpose when they're not against her skin.

He's pressing his own against his face with enough force to grind diamonds into dust.

He's tugging at his hair, his clothes, his body; restless under the oppressive thoughts of impending and explicit sorrow.

I shouldn't look, it feels indecent.

He wouldn't want me to see him so undone.

He may not deserve my sympathy after everything that's transpired, but I don't have a choice in granting it to him.

I know he's stronger than this.

He's always been formidable, solid, unswaying.

His legs have carried him steeply towards what he hungers without hesitation, a driving force of self-righteousness.

They're shaking now.

I need him to be steady.

If I can try to survive her, I know he can too.

But if he can't endure, there's no hope for me.

And how deep will his despair burrow?

Will it steal him from me?

I can't lose him too…

We're all that each other has.

Now, more than ever.

* * *

**A/N:** **Thanks you again for reading, please review, always love to hear your thoughts. **

**-Goldnox**


	9. Supremacy

**A/N: Hello my darlings, so sorry for the epic long delay between updates here. Admittedly, I became absolutely distracted by another story I was working on that is now complete, Mirrors and Broken Things. Many thanks for patience and understanding. **

**This will be the final entry for now, ending at the season hiatus. I may continue on through the rest of the season at some point, but for now we will stop here. This will be from our beloved Damon, circa episode 4x09 while he is at the Gilbert Lake house, contemplating having to release Elena due to the sire bond. Enjoy!**

* * *

_**Muse - Supremacy**_

_Wake to see - your true emancipation is a fantasy.  
Policies have risen up and overcome the brave._

_Greatness dies, unsung and lost, invisible to history._  
_Embedded spies brainwashing our children to be mean._

_You don't have long,_  
_I am on to you_  
_The time, it has come to destroy..._

_Your supremacy_  
_Supremacy_

_Your supremacy_  
_Supremacy_

_You don't have long,_  
_I am on to you_  
_The time, it has come to destroy..._

_Your supremacy_  
_Your_

_Supremacy_

* * *

I have everything I thought I wanted, and I hate it.

I've always known daylight was death wrapped in glowing rays of lies, and I was right.

One blissfully dark night, followed by a plunge into brightness that has minced my world into ragged screams and grated tears.

He couldn't wait to tell me that fate had taken control, handing hers to me to play with at my will.

He looked so sickeningly triumphant when he dealt the blow that has slashed my hope and blistered my soul.

I wanted him to be lying; that is his truth at the core.

That is what we all are: lies, garnished in satisfied grins.

But denial has never befriended me; we have been forceful foes since before my first taste of death.

I wanted to befriend it now, to call for it to erase the plaguing ache that was speedily surging through me.

I knew, and I didn't want to.

I begged and pleaded to all the gods I've never believed in and to all those who I've defied: wipe it away, scrub it from my memory, delete it from my consciousness; he didn't say it, I didn't hear it, and it isn't true.

But it is.

And now it's done.

How many months of tortured longing have I endured; fighting for the right to her, destroying and rebuilding myself into something worthy, only to have it plucked from me as soon as it was in my contemptible clutch?

It was over before it began.

For all my fears of what could transpire, my countless considerations of what color the cold axe would be in the inevitable swing that would sever us, this had never even been a consideration.

I'm devastated and disgusted, twisted into grievous abhorrence.

I have always sought power, control, dominance; it's a rush and a high driven by blood and want and I glorify in it.

But I never wanted that authority over her mind, just her heart.

I wanted her to bow to my whispers of devotion, to place herself in my care for only me to know and touch.

I fantasized her submission.

I got my wish, and I'm revolted.

She finally found her bravery to reach for me, and she is now grasping for a dark and dismal dictator.

She is straining to be willed by a cursed demon that is driven by desire, focused on self-fulfillment and gorging on greed.

She is in more danger than she will ever acknowledge, and I am the threat that loves her.

It's within my power to destroy her, and she would never contest it.

I could rule over her, driving her to sinister places that she had never considered had existed.

Never once would her steps falter.

I could dispatch her to breed grief for all those that have dared to cause her pain, watching with pride as my creation and companion wrought nightmares upon the wicked.

I could train those gentle and delicate hands to snap souls and twist bones, to crush and maim and terrorize.

I could tutor her teeth to shred in the way that only I feel is best.

I am her Alpha and Omega, and as she is Eve, I am the apple.

I am poison and temptation, sin through my ploy as savior.

I never wanted that.

I wanted her quickening steps of conviction; I craved hearing them fall as she made her final cross into my lavish bed and re-awakening heart.

Once, that was all I was allowed.

And even that single stretch of star speckled hours has been tainted.

Now we will never know what we could have beheld, and it is lost to pages of history that were never written; the ink evaporating before the first stroke of the pen fell upon it.

Destiny had already carved itself into granite before I ever knew its name.

I wish to be blind, but I cannot face the darkness; I see every facet and every rivet of what it has bestowed upon me and over her, and I cannot allow it to defeat me for her sake.

I know what I need to do, what I have to do, but never have I wished for anything less.

I shall declare rule over fate and beat back the laws that are governing her movements.

I will pry her free.

I will release my desire, my fulfillment, and banish it from my presence so that I cannot condemn her more than I already have.

The shame is more than generous; she will never forgive me for this.

She's begging me to stay, to ignore the imbalance of influence between us and to allow her to willfully submit to my bidding.

She thinks I'm abandoning her to confront her new world alone, and I am.

But I'm doing it so that when she selects her path, it will be with the certainty that the choice was hers alone and without my hand directing it.

I've almost killed her once already.

One simple slice of my tongue and I decreed her choice of sustenance.

My voice and yearnings and every thoughtless word is law, and there is no option of disobedience.

I want to never speak again; the fear is so tremendously terrifying of what I could command without any intent to request.

The idea of such sovereignty is sickening; she shouldn't be my subject, for I am hers.

I would trade it, exchange it, reverse it, if I could.

I would give anything to be in the position where her sentences sway me more than mine do for her.

I would gladly kneel to her longings and fight to provide all that she covets.

I would let her reign my life with smiles and tears, piloting me to do all that she pleases.

I'll kill, defend, shelter; I'll show mercy if that is what she desires.

I already have and will again.

That's all I ever wanted; her happiness and peace, her simplistic clarity from proclaiming herself stronger than the fate that reaped havoc and chaos upon her short life.

And in death, it's malice for her only became stronger.

She doesn't deserve to have her path laid by someone so unworthy.

I know I deserve every second of agony this is hurling upon me; I have done so much to warrant this dreadfulness tenfold.

But she is sweet, she is gentle, she is kind, and there is every possibility that I may unwillingly do nothing more than to shepherd her into a shell of apathy and escort her towards a list of names of the fallen but never forgotten.

I promised I would never leave her, and I won't.

I'll stand guard from the shadows as I have before; watching my life live hers, without me.

I never promised I wouldn't permit her to go, and that is my only redemption.

I vowed to protect her, and I will.

I have to save her, from me.

I don't have a choice; the decision already being rendered by my brother and myself and all those who are clean of manipulation.

I will obliterate my fleeting glimpse of a perfect and meaningful existence and her misguided love along with it.

The time has come to destroy my supremacy.

* * *

**A/N: And that's a wrap! Thanks to all for reading and reviewing and favorites and follows and gummy bears and jelly beans and kites and roller blades and... sorry, that got a little away from me! But in all seriousness, many thanks to all for simply allowing me to share my words, and I hope you have enjoyed this as much as I have. Happy Reading!**

**-Goldnox**


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